


Steve the Headcrab

by Bentendowhis



Category: Half-Life
Genre: A joke fic that I took too far, And am continuing to work on for some reason, Canon Compliant, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22025317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bentendowhis/pseuds/Bentendowhis
Summary: Steve Johnson is your average everyday headcrab. He has a simple life, but one day he recieves an invitation to a strange government program. What strange fate is in store for him?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 1  
(Originally written on 6-16-11)

Steve Johnson was your average everyday headcrab. Steve had a wife and two beautiful children and lived in a nice house in the suburbs. Steve worked at Crab Mesa, where he was the vice president of the stealth technology department. He got along well with his coworkers and boss and had a respectable salary. Steve had a pretty good life. But, one fateful day, Steve got called into his boss's office. Wondering what his boss wanted, Steve entered the room.

"Steve, you're here. Come sit down." Steve sat in the chair next to the desk.

"Ted, what's this all about?" Steve asked.

Ted Barrett was a fine, upstanding headcrab. He had a wife and kids and lived in a nice house in the suburbs. He got along well with his employees and had a respectable salary. Ted had a pretty good life. Ted had a task to complete, but was it the right thing to do?

"Steve, I have a message from an unknown government agency. They are gathering the best headcrabs from around the country for their new program…"

"Hmm, sounds interesting," Steve replied. "But-"

"And they invited you," Ted interrupted.

Steve didn't quite know how to react to this message. He had no idea what the program was about, if it was a good thing or a bad thing, or if it would harm him or his family in any way. "I don't understand," Steve said, "what does this mean?"

Ted sighed, knowing what Steve would have to do. "You are to report to this address on Saturday," Ted said, handing him a card. "'They' will explain more there."

"'They'?" Steve asked. This was getting more confusing every second. "But… What will I tell my family?"

Ted turned around and looked out the window. "Tell them… that we're going to war."  
  
\---------------------------------------------------------

This was originally posted on another site, but with the release of Chapter 2, I decided to post both on here, too. Keep in mind that Chapter 1 was written in 2011, so please bear with me. Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 2

The experience of interplanetary teleportation via Resonance Cascade was not one Steve could ever have been prepared for.

After a flash of light, Steve found himself trapped within a strange glass cylinder. Panicked, he slammed himself against the glass over and over again, but to no avail. _You’ve got to be kidding me_ , Steve thought, _all those months of military training, wasted!_

Had the humans set a trap for him? Was he set up by his superiors to be captured? Or was he just in the wrong place at the wrong time? All these thoughts swirling around in Steve’s head were cut short as he suddenly noticed an orange blur fly past him. He barely managed to catch a glimpse of an orange-clad human jumping around and flying through the room at breakneck speed before it vanished.

[“Fascinating… Would you look at that?”]

Steve saw another human, this one walking towards him, speaking an unknown human language.

[“What an interesting anterior. I wonder where its stomach is.”] The human leaned in closer to examine Steve further.

“H-hey pal, get away from me!” Steve yelled. “I’m a great jumper! When I get out of here, it’ll be all over for you!”

[“Ooh, you certainly want out, don’t you?”]

This was starting to get on Steve’s nerves. _Ugh, great. They never taught us how to speak human in our training. What do I do now…?_ Steve was absorbed in his own thoughts and tried to ignore the human ogling him.

[“My, you’re a cute little thing, aren’t you? I’d almost hate to have to dissect one of these.”]

As Steve began to formulate escape plans, another human entered the room, and the two began to argue while pointing at him. After some time, the first human approached Steve once again, and began adjusting the glass cylinder. Steve had a brief moment of hope until he realized that the human was inserting a tube into it. Although he was worried that the human was about to poison him with some strange Earth chemical, Steve considered that it may be a better option than being kept in captivity.

A strange gas began to flow into Steve’s glass prison, and he began to accept his fate. However, Steve noticed that he wasn’t feeling very dead - he was actually feeling rather sleepy. In his last moments of lucidity, Steve heard the humans arguing once more:

[“Hurry up with that thing, Izzy! We need to get out of here!”]

As his vision began to fade, Steve felt himself being moved around.

And then, everything went dark.

* * *

Happy Holidays, everyone!

You may be wondering why I came back to this after 8 years, and honestly, I am too. With the release of Xen in Black Mesa, some weird part of me felt compelled to dredge this back up from the depths of the internet and work on it a little bit more. If we’re lucky, maybe Chapter 3 won’t take 8 more years to write!

If you’re curious what I’ve been up to all these years, I have since updated my profile with links to my social media sites, where you can see more frequent content and updates.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for Chapter 3 in the not-too-distant future!


	3. Chapter 3

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 3

Many years had passed since that day. Steve (or "Lamarr" as he was now being called) was imprisoned by that awful human, Kleiner, and was soon relocated to his laboratory in City 17. As much as he'd hate to admit it, Steve was better off with the human than in Black Mesa. After all, he'd rather be alive than decimated in a nuclear detonation. Though, after being de-beaked and losing most of his dignity, he sometimes thought otherwise. And as for why he continued to stay with the human? Over the years, Steve had slowly begun to understand the disgusting human language, and Kleiner had kept bringing up a certain word - teleporter.

This instilled a small amount of hope in Steve. He now had a plan: He'd endure staying with Kleiner long enough for the teleporter to be functional, figure out how to use it to get back to Xen, and he'd finally be home! Plus, he'd be safe from the chaos going on outside. His plan was immediately put on hold, however, after the incident with the cat. He didn't want to go out like that. _Stupid humans_ , he thought, _can't even get a basic teleporter right. If I still had my beak, I'd hop on him and make it myself!_ Sadly, he'd have to bear with Kleiner for a bit longer.

Speaking of Kleiner, the human talked to himself _a lot_. It was one of the reasons Steve was able to pick up his language so quickly. He'd often reminisce about Black Mesa and his coworkers, many of which died in the incident. He kept mentioning a lot of names, some of which Steve would come to know: Calhoun, Vance, Freeman, Coolatta, Breen.

 _Freeman_. That one was the most interesting to Steve. The humans talked about Gordon Freeman as if he was some sort of hero. The Vortigaunts especially saw him as a messiah. Steve's memories from his short time at Black Mesa were blurry, but he remembers briefly seeing Gordon. _Gordon Freeman? That weird human in the orange suit jumping around everywhere? Doesn't seem like much of a hero to me_ , Steve thought. He didn't pay it much mind, though. He only cared about the teleporter and getting home.

It was a normal day at the lab; Kleiner was hard at work and Steve was eating his meal of watermelons. Kleiner claimed that watermelon was a "suitable substitute for a human head," but Steve was satisfied with any food - he was an omnivore after all. Wait, _satisfied?_ No, Steve would only be satisfied when he finally escapes from this place! Steve's train of thought came to a halt when he heard Kleiner speaking with another human through a video call - Barney, from the sounds of it. Steve was (unfortunately) getting used to the other humans, and could match them to their voices. He was going to ignore them until-

"Great Scott! Gordon Freeman! I expected more warning."

 _Gordon Freeman?_ The big "hero" everyone's been talking about? Here? Oh, now things were starting to get interesting...


	4. Chapter 4

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 4

Kleiner spent the next half hour "calibrating" the orange suit that he had kept in the storage room. Steve swore he saw cobwebs all over the thing, too. After taking a short break to wipe the sweat off of his brow, Kleiner turned to Steve.

"Ah, nearly finished! Now, Lamarr, we'll be having some guests in a bit, so be on your best behavior!"

"Oh, I'll _behave_ all right," Steve chirped, "just until you get that teleporter working."

Kleiner chuckled and turned back to the suit, with Steve walking up to examine it himself. Apparently this was the same suit that Gordon had worn at Black Mesa, but as to how it came to be in Kleiner's possession now, Steve had no clue. Neither did Kleiner, apparently. Since then it had been upgraded - Kleiner called it the "Mark V" - and was soon to be occupied by one Gordon Freeman. Steve walked around the side of the machine containing it to get a different view, when suddenly the room went dark and the shutter closed, trapping him in the storage room.

"Hey idiot, I'm still in here!" Steve yelled, annoyed with Kleiner's egregious mistake. He eventually found his way towards the small strip of light that had slipped between the shutter and the floor and began to claw at the shutter. All his chirps and growls went unnoticed by the human on the other side. That was one of the most annoying things about Kleiner (among many, many other grievances). Steve at least had the decency to (unwillingly) learn the human language, but Kleiner never even made an effort to learn his. Maybe if Kleiner actually listened more, he would give Steve something more than watermelons to eat, for starters. Oh, and he would let him out of the storage room, but that was obvious. Kleiner would have to open the shutter anyways once Gordon got here, so Steve decided to find somewhere comfortable to nap until then.

Steve was awoken by some noises and voices on the other side of the shutter.

"Well, is he here? ..There you are! Man, Gordon! You stirred up the hive!"

_Gordon's finally here, huh? Took him long enough. With all the speedy jumping around he did I thought he'd be_ _here earlier_ , Steve chuckled to himself. Then, he had an idea. As punishment for locking him in here, Steve would pounce on Kleiner as soon as the shutter opened. Sure, it wouldn't hurt him any, but it would really startle him, and Steve wanted to see the look on Kleiner's face when it happened. As he listened in on the humans' conversation, Steve noticed a distinct lack of Gordon's voice. He was able to tell all the other voices apart, but why wasn't Gordon saying anything? Steve thought it was rather rude, not that he cared about human etiquette at all or anything. Steve was so lost in thought that he almost didn't notice the footsteps approaching him. The shutter opened, the lights turned on, and he pounced! ...right onto Barney's head.

"Damn it! Get it off me!" Barney yelled, tossing Steve to the floor. Oh no he didn't. Steve was having none of that, thank you very much. He pounced again! ...only for Barney to duck, sending Steve with into the wall. _Ugh, how embarrassing..._ Steve sighed. Regaining his composure, he jumped on top of a nearby locker to rest. And there he saw him: Gordon Freeman.

Much like their last encounter, Gordon was hopping about the room, seemingly bored with the other humans. _At least we have something in common_ , Steve thought, continuing to observe him. The humans didn't seem surprised by this behavior, so Steve assumed that this was just a Gordon thing. Then, Gordon started doing something strange. He picked up a binder and began bopping the others on the head with it. Once again, they didn't even seem to notice. In fact- wait a minute. Did Kleiner just suddenly shift a few feet to the right? No, couldn't be... Must have been his imagination. He was snapped out of his thoughts by Barney getting a bit too close into his personal bubble.

"Get that thing away from me!" Barney yelled.

"Fine, I'll be outta here soon anyways!" Steve retorted.

"Here, my pet. Hop up." Steve turned around to see Kleiner gesturing to his head. He had a better idea, though. He spied the ventilation shaft above him and made a few jumps up to it, knocking down several objects on the way up.

"No, not up there! No, no! Careful, Lamarr! Those are quite fragile!" Steve ignored Kleiner as he made the final leap into the vent. He began to go over his plan one last time. Still dazed from his rude awakening and roughhousing with Barney, Steve was having trouble remembering all the details.

_Okay, Kleiner said they're doing a double teleportation,_ Steve recounted. _Perfect. If the first one works fine, then I can hop a ride on the second one! Just gotta wait for the right moment, then I'll be home free! Although, after the cat incident..._ Steve shuddered, then shook himself to get it out of his head. _No, no time to worry about that. This is my chance! I'll finally be out of this dump!_ Steve knew the ventilation system well by now. He slowly made his way towards the teleporter room, going over his plan once more. For a moment, Steve wondered if he was forgetting something. Something like a very important step that could cause disaster if it wasn't done. Well, if it was that important, then surely he wouldn't have forgotten it in the first place. As he approached the exit, he looked down and saw the grate below him.

_Ah. Well that puts a wrench into the plan._ Steve realized that he wouldn't be able to easily see the teleportation for himself without giving his hiding spot away. At least he could still listen in to the events. It was better than nothing, he supposed. He eased himself down the shaft and found a comfortable position to sit in while he awaited the results. He wouldn't have to wait long, though.

"Very good. Final sequence. Commencing... now."

"I can't look."

Steve froze as he heard yelling from a very panicked Alyx, then everything went dark. As lights began turning on again in the room below him, Steve was anxious to see if his escape plan would finally come to fruition. He had to resist the temptation to leave the vent and and find out.

"Well, did it work?" Kleiner asked.

"See for yourself," the voice of Eli Vance replied.

"Hey, Doc!"

Never in his life did Steve think he'd be happy to hear a human voice. But that voice meant that the teleporter had worked successfully, and that in mere moments he'd have his chance to strike. Steve's heart was beating quickly, and the sound of the lift starting up again made him antsy. He'd just have to wait for the perfect moment...

Three...

"Excellent. Initializing in three... two... one! Barney? If you'd be so kind?"

Two...

"Good luck out there, Gordon."

One...

"Yes, indeed. We're ready to project you, Gordon. Bon voyage, and best of luck in your future endeavors! Final sequence."

Now!

Steve stomped on the grate, dislodging it and letting him drop into the room.

"What the hell?"

"What is it?"

_Can't get distracted now,_ Steve thought, finding his bearings. _Now where's Gordon?_

"It's your pet, the freakin' head-humper!"

Steve turned towards the teleporter and set his sights on Gordon Freeman.

"Lamarr? Hedy! No!"

Dr. Kleiner's pleas were ignored as Steve made the most important jump of his life. He leapt towards Gordon, and his vision turned white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long chapter. I'm not used to writing long chapters. Or writing in general, for that matter. Oh well, hope everyone's enjoying the ride nonetheless.


	5. Chapter 5

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 5

_Ah, I'm finally home... And everything's just like I remember it. The light breeze bringing in a salty smell, the distant sound of waves, the feel of sand beneath-_

_Wait, sand?_

Steve opened his eyes to see that he was not in fact on his home planet of Xen, but on a beach. Turning around, he saw the emotionless visage of Gordon Freeman, which disappeared in a flash of light. Steve continued staring at the spot where Gordon once stood, slowly processing what just happened. He recounted the day's events, trying to find out what went wrong.

_Okay, waiting until the teleporter was completed: check. Confirming it's safe: check. Rerouting the teleporter to Xen: che-_

Steve looked at the ground as he finally realized his mistake. He was so frustrated at being trapped in that storage room (plus the little scuffle with Barney) that he forgot the most important step of his plan. Instead of being back on Xen, he'd almost certainly doomed himself, stranded miles away from any sort of civilization. He felt compelled to scream to the heavens, since that's what one does in these situations, but... nothing. Dejected, depressed, and in dismay, he could only utter a simple-

"God. Damn it."

Steve slowly walked along the beach, with only the occasional birds to keep him company. The sounds of the sea would normally be calming to some, but to him, it was just a reminder of his failure. It even felt like the seagulls were laughing at him, though Steve doubted they had such intelligence. He wasn't sure how long he had been walking, and his feet were killing him. Well, he was kind of sure how long he'd been walking, since the sun was just now beginning to set. He saw nowhere that could be used for shelter, so he had no choice but to keep going.

He suddenly froze, however, when he heard rumbling beneath him. Before he could get away, the sand around him erupted as several creatures emerged from underground. After the sand cleared, he saw what looked to be several giant insects. They had four legs, no eyes and three sharp teeth. Steve was nearly paralyzed with fear, but knew he was a good enough jumper to get away from them.

"Hey, look over there!" Steve yelled, pointing away from himself, hoping the creatures would fall for his simple trick. "Oh wait... no eyes. Crap!" Steve jumped on top of one and leaped away, beginning his escape. "See you never, stupid bugs!" he taunted, looking behind him as he kept leaping towards freedom. His heart nearly skipped a beat as he saw some of them jump after him, and they were catching up quickly. Even worse, some of them sprouted wings from their bodies and began flying towards him. The soreness of his legs was getting to him, but he tried to ignore the pain as the adrenaline flowed through his body. His escape was soon halted as two of the insects landed in front of him, and he heard the sound of the buzzing wings behind him getting closer. As they surrounded him once again, Steve closed his eyes and awaited the inevitable.

_No, I can't die here,_ Steve thought. _I waited so long for the chance to go home, and I'm not giving up yet!_ _...but I can't get away from these things. What do I_ _do?_ As if giving him an answer, Steve heard what sounded like a weapon firing along with the screeching of the insects. He slowly opened his eyes, fully expecting to see an image of the afterlife, but was surprised to see not only the same beach, but the corpses of the insects around him. He felt examined himself for wounds, but found that he was perfectly fine. Steve breathed a sigh of relief now that the crisis was over, but flinched as he heard more rumbling. But this was... different. Looking towards the sound, he saw what looked like three long legs. He moved his gaze upward to see something towering above him. Its body was oddly shaped and attached to it was... a gun? Steve continued staring at it. Did it save him? Or was it about to finish him off? It felt like several minutes passed as he stared death in the face, until-

"hey there little dude. you okay down there?"

Steve did a double take. This intimidating deadly being just called him "little dude." He didn't see that one coming.

"oh whoops hold on a sec. cant hear you from all the way up here. lemme fix that real quick," the being said as it lowered itself all the way down to the ground, its legs folding to make it more compact. "all righty where were we. so you got a name or do headcrabs not talk?"

"Um... I'm Steve." There was _no_ way he would be able to hold up a normal conversation with this thing. It was... too casual for a giant death machine. "Who... _what_ are you? What were those bugs? Where are we anyways? Wh-"

"whoa man slow down thats like way too many questions. im a strider you can tell by my long legs. this guy definitely didnt skip leg day am i right? and those gross bugs are antlions. or they used to be i guess."

"That is... a lot to take in all at once," Steve replied. "Look, I got lost here from a teleporter incident, and I need to get anywhere but here, _fast_." He nervously looked around, keeping a lookout for more of those "Antlion" things.

"hey i got an idea. hop on up steve-meister," the Strider said, lowering its head even more so it rested on the sand. "i dont really know where im going either so lets be lost together. strength in numbers and all that jazz."

This was it. This was Steve's ticket out of here... wherever "here" was, at least. He was still a bit confused about this Strider, but it was either it or the Antlions. He leaped up on top of the Strider's head, and it slowly raised back up to its full height.

"okay lets get rolling. or moving i guess- WAIT lets get striding! actually that sounded kinda lame never mind. anyways were going now so hang on tight bro."

Even though Steve was safe now, he still had a heavy heart. He screwed up his best chance at getting home, and it was difficult to think of a good backup plan. Where else would he find another teleporter? As the Strider began walking into the sunset, Steve had a bad feeling that his problems were just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have finally arrived at my area of zero writing experience: *Compelling original dialog.* Oh noooooooooooooooooooooo


	6. Chapter 6

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 6

"...and at the last second I jumped at him! Then, after a flash of light, I was suddenly at the beach, and... Well, you know how it went from there."

Steve recounted his tale to his new Strider friend as they continued their journey. It was mostly silent throughout with only a few "hmm"s and "huh"s, just letting Steve vent about his troubles.

"thats rough buddy," the Strider finally said. "but hey after all that youre still alive which is more than most headcrabs can say." As awful as his struggles were, Steve had to admit that the Strider had a point. Even though his plan to get home had failed, he was incredibly lucky to even get this far. He was spared from the wrath of Gordon Freeman and the military in Black Mesa (as well as the ensuing nuclear detonation wiping Black Mesa off the map), he endured his kidnapping by Kleiner, and he was rescued from the killer Antlions just hours ago. As long as he kept trying, Steve knew that he would eventually get home. The "how" and "when" of that still eluded him, but at least now he had some time to relax and think about it. "i nearly died a while ago too so hey weve got something in common there."

"Speaking of that, what _is_ your story, anyways? I don't know much about Striders, but you don't seem like you'd be the kind to hang around a place like this. And I still never got your name, either."

"dont have a name."

"Huh, what do you mean?" Steve had figured that the Strider was on Earth because of the Combine, what with their conquering and enslavement of other worlds, but he thought that at least it would have a name by now. Though, he could only assume so much about an alien species he'd never met before.

"you think i grew this gun? im synthetic my dude. the combine created me. sure there are probably normal non-robot striders out there somewhere but all the ones on earth are killing machines made by The Man to stomp out their enemies. i was being brought somewhere on one of their gunships but it got shot down with me in it. i guess it cushioned my fall or something because i was totally fine."

Steve began to realize how little he had actually paid attention to the Combine invasion. He had gotten tunnel vision trying to get home, and he hadn't really noticed what was going on around him. Earth had been drastically changed by the Combine, as well as the countless other worlds that they conquered. Had Xen also been taken over by them? Steve stopped himself at that thought. Surely Xen was fine. Everything would be fine. He just needed to focus on getting home. Returning from his daydreaming, he noticed that it had been a while since anyone had said anything. The two of them enjoyed the comfortable silence between them, accompanied by the sound of the waves hitting the beach.

"...dave."

"Huh? Dave?"

"my name. i wanna be dave," the Strider said. Steve burst out laughing at this. It had been a _long_ time since he had a good laugh.

"Dave? What the hell kind of name is _Dave_?! You could pick literally anything, and _that's_ what you chose to be your name?"

"oh look whos talking _steve johnson_. your names as generic as they get just short of john smith. did your parents not like you or something? its like your name was specifically chosen to be boring." Steve was no longer laughing. That had hit a bit of a sore spot for him. His name _was_ generic and boring, and Steve would be the first to admit that. He had lost count of how many times he was made fun of because of his name when he was growing up (and even into his professional life). In hindsight, it was very childish of him to do the same to his friend - his _only_ friend in this awful place, in fact.

"...Hey man, I'm really sorry," Steve mumbled, "This whole thing has gotten me really stressed out, but that's no excuse for me acting like that. If you want to be named Dave, you can be named Dave. Now that I think about it, you probably don't know a lot of names to use for reference anyways. Can you forgive me?" Steve grew nervous as Dave remained silent, taking in what he had said. The last thing he wanted was to piss off the only guy keeping him alive at this point.

"well as long as you acknowledge that you did something wrong then were cool. anyways you were pretty quiet earlier. thinking of another plan to get home or something?"

"Eh, not really, but I should get back to that. Maybe I need to try another way of thinking. Hey, what's that thing called where you go along a path of similar words?"

"uhhhh you mean word association? you sure itll help?" Steve was a bit curious about the general knowledge Dave seemed to have. Maybe the Combine implanted their troops with a certain amount of intelligence? Again, he could only assume so much.

"It's worth a shot, at least! So, teleporter... Where do I go from there? Teleporter, teleport, tele-port..."

Dave began to tune Steve out, choosing not to correct him on how word association actually works. During their journey, Steve had done most of the talking. Dave didn't mind too much, though. He enjoyed the company... even if Steve tended to ramble and mumble a lot. The little guy was under a lot of stress, so it was understandable. He also figured that Steve just wanted someone to talk to. From the sounds of his story, the headcrab was in sore need of a friend. Whether Dave would be willing to be that friend, though, would take some time to decide.

"Port... portal. Portal? Portal gun! Aperture! Aperture Science! That's it!" He had struck gold. From his time with Kleiner, he had learned that Black Mesa's rival, Aperture Science, was working on various kinds of portal technology. If anything could get him home, it would be found there.

"nice sounds like you got your answer. so where is this aperture place anyways?"

"Hmm... I think it was somewhere in Michigan, something to do with some salt mines."

Dave's pace noticeably slowed, and Steve could tell something was up. What did he say that had such an effect on him, and why? Steve began worrying. This would be the second time he said something stupid to Dave. He hoped that Dave didn't run on a three-strikes system or something, otherwise he'd need to find another way home. Luckily he didn't have to wait much longer for a response.

"you know thats like... in america right?"

"Wait... what? Huh?"

"its on a completely different continent bro. unless you can steal a combine gunship or swim really fast you arent getting to michigan any time soon. and dont ask me to get you there either. you see these spindly legs? the best i could do is walk along the ocean floor but we couldnt keep that up for long. wait do i even need to breathe? huh i hadnt really considered that. well either way you cant breathe underwater so its looking like youll need to make a plan to get to your other plan."

Steve had several colorful four-letter words floating around in his head, but once again he just couldn't convey his full frustration. It was one thing after another. His original plan was so perfect, but he screwed it up at the last second. Everything afterwards had been a disaster, and this was just the latest disappointment. _Of course_ he wasn't in America anymore. He'd heard it countless times since being relocated to City 17. Come to think of it, Steve wasn't too sure where exactly City 17 was on this continent, but that wasn't really important right now. Steve continued to stew in his troubles until Dave spoke up again.

"oh hey steve you may wanna take a look at this."

Steve turned his gaze to the horizon, where he saw a very distant but distinct shape forming. Ever since the start of their travels they had been wandering onward without any kind of direction or destination, but now they had found the perfect landmark:

The Citadel.


	7. Chapter 7

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 7

The duo reached the outskirts of City 17, where Dave lowered himself down to let Steve jump over an outer wall.

"Never thought I'd see this place again. All that time I spent trying to get away, just to come crawling back for more." Steve's musings were soon cut short by the sounds of gunfire in the distance. "It's much livelier than it used to be, though." He turned around to look back at the Strider, expectantly.

"im afraid this is as far as i go little guy," Dave said with a hint of sadness in his voice. "youre on your own from here."

"Wait, why? Not to pressure you or anything, but you'd be a big help getting around this place."

"i mean listen to them going at it in there. its like a full-out war or something. wed stick out like a sore thumb and you know that the humans wouldnt hesitate to shoot us on sight. besides youre the one that wants to get home not me. im just fine doing my own thing from here on out."

A brief silence rose between the two as Steve became lost in thought. He was once again close to his goal, but he'd be leaving behind his only real friend in this world (Was "friend" too strong of a word for them? Steve wasn't too sure where they stood at this point). He had relied on others throughout his quest to return to Xen, but Steve knew he had to make this last leg of this journey on his own.

Steve sighed. Even though they'd only spent a short time together, he grew to enjoy Dave's presence. But their paths would both diverge from here, and they both knew it.

"Well, I guess I can't stop you. What are you going to do now, just wander around some more?"

"yeah probably," Dave admitted, looking around at his surroundings. "hey maybe ill find some other guys that were abandoned too. maybe make some friends start a little village who knows really. skys the limit."

Steve was pretty jealous of Dave's position in life. No responsibilities or obligations, complete freedom to do anything without any boundaries. But Steve had a mission, and a home to get to. "Well, bon voyage, Dave," he said, unintentionally borrowing the farewell from Kleiner.

"its been real steve. id say ill see you around but if all goes well that wont happen. this is where i get off. good luck man." Dave slowly stepped away from the wall and began to leave. He gave the shortest of glances back to Steve and nodded, before disappearing into the horizon.

Steve stared into the distance as he finished collecting his thoughts. He turned towards the city, and jumped down into the streets.

* * *

Steve had massively underestimated the chaos that was now going on inside City 17. As the gunfire became louder and more frequent, Steve could see smoke rising into the sky. He stuck to back alleys and rooftops as he made his way further into the city, all the while desperately looking for landmarks or anything he'd find familiar. He'd lost count of how many times he had to hide from passing human or Combine forces. _The humans are really getting the rebellion they wanted_ , Steve thought, _just gotta make sure I'm not one of the casualties of it_.

Making his way onto another rooftop, he saw a plaza in front of him. There was a monument in the center with several holographic screens torn off of it and broken. He also saw a large distinct building that looked familiar, but he just couldn't put his claw on it. Continuing on, Steve began to wonder what it was in City 17 that he _did_ find familiar. He spent all that time in Kleiner's lab, so the only bit of the outside he saw was through windows or on the surveillance monitors...

Steve was struck with inspiration! He just had to find the locations where Kleiner's cameras were and make his way back to the lab from there. He exited an alley to find a small playground. This puzzled him, since he doesn't recall ever seeing any human children in the city. He knew it had something to do with the "suppression field" or whatever they called it. Although these areas were familiar, he only had a hazy memory of the specifics, since he was mostly unconscious during the move to City 17. Apparently he was put under to "ensure a safer and swifter voyage" to the new lab, but his travel was more akin to a domestic pet in a carrier. But Steve could find his way back just fine! He had gotten an education and a degree like any respectable headcrab. Surely the lab would be just around the corner!

Several rounded corners later, and Steve was not in fact at Kleiner's lab. He felt that he was close, however, when he saw the visage of Wallace Breen plastered on a wall. Somehow that human had managed to rise to the position of Earth's ruler (albeit under the watchful eye of the Combine). This jogged Steve's memory, as began to search for the secret passage behind the wall. As he activated the mechanism and the path ahead opened, Steve knew he was almost there.

Steve arrived at what appeared to be a dead end, but he knew there was yet another secret passage in here somewhere. At times he wondered if Kleiner was being too paranoid with these defenses, but seeing as the area seemed intact compared to the rest of the city, he supposed he could give the human a bit of credit. Looking around the room, the only thing of note was a vending machine, advertising Dr. Breen's special brand of drink, of course. The blanks in Steve's memory filled in, as he jumped up to the buttons and tried to remember the code to open the path forward. As he tried various combinations, he thought it was rather silly how Kleiner had chosen a soda machine as his lab's last line of defense. Apparently the scientists of Black Mesa _really_ liked their soda.

Just as Steve was thinking of giving up, the vending machine rumbled, and the front of it opened up. Steve jumped down and strolled on through only to be met with the barrel of a shotgun. _Welp, I **knew** everything was going a little too well, _Steve thought to himself. A feeling of dread overcame him as he quickly accepted his death. He should have heeded Dave's warning, but his time was up. All that was left was for the gun's trigger to be pulled and it would all be over. Instead of hearing the sound of his imminent death, though, Steve heard a familiar voice.

"As I live and breathe... Lamarr, is that you?!"


	8. Chapter 8

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 8

Steve sighed. _Here we are. Out of the frying pan, and... Well, back into the same frying pan, I guess_. It was as if Steve had never left. After recovering from the panic attack of being at the business end of Kleiner's shotgun, Steve had spent the rest of the day resting and watching the human work. However, instead of Kleiner's normal activities, he was stood in front of one of the computer screens, talking to Barney.

Although Steve had previously only passively learned about current events by overhearing conversations at the lab, this time he actually wanted to know what he had missed in the few days he was gone, _especially_ with the uprising that had since begun. From what he could gather, Gordon Freeman, after surviving the teleporter incident, had gone off to rescue Eli, who was captured by the Combine. They broke into the prison known as Nova Prospekt, and their actions there sparked the beginning of the ongoing uprising against the Combine. However, Gordon and Alyx haven't been heard from since, and Eli was taken to the Citadel.

It struck Steve how intense everything had become since Gordon Freeman's arrival. While he didn't see Gordon as the big hero that humanity said he was, Steve had to admit that he sure got results. Steve wondered if Gordon would ever show up again. Part of him was curious how he would shake things up this time, but Kleiner and Barney were losing hope that he would return.

A loud metallic thud startled Steve out of these thoughts. Kleiner took position at the entrance to the lab with his shotgun, waiting to see what would be on the other side. As it opened, what appeared surprised Steve. It was not Gordon Freeman, or any human, for that matter. It was... What was it? Some kind of robot? Kleiner somehow recognized it, allowing it to enter.

"Dog! Now this is quite the surprise! Did you really come all this way from Black Mesa East? What a long trek it must have been!"

Now, Steve had learned about some of the animals on Earth, but his memory was a bit fuzzy on the details. This, however, was certainly not a dog. The obvious comparisons were that it was not organic, did not have any fur, and was tall and bipedal, towering over Kleiner. Surely the human knew this, right? Regardless, it didn't seem hostile, and they seemed to know each other, so Steve was okay with it staying with them. If nothing else, its hulking stature would surely scare off any intruders. Steve still made sure to keep his distance from the thing just to be safe. This wasn't very hard, as the "dog" seemed content to stay in the storage closet that had previously housed Gordon's HEV suit.

Every now and then, Steve would stare longingly at the wall hiding the entrance to the teleporter room. Kleiner had kept a watchful eye on him ever since he returned, so he doubted that he would get another chance to activate it any time soon. A few days later, Steve was making his rounds wandering through the lab, when he stopped again at the wall. Something felt off. Something felt _very_ off. He cautiously approached the wall and heard a whirring noise. What was going on in there?

Kleiner noticed Steve's curiosity and momentarily stopped his work. "Oh, Hedy, whatever are you up to over there?" he called as he began to walk towards Steve. Both of them jumped as the sound became incredibly loud. Steve remembered this sound distinctly: Someone was arriving through the teleporter. Kleiner once again grabbed his shotgun and sidled against the wall (He was very quick to do it; Steve figured Kleiner must have had to do this a lot throughout the past week). Steve hid behind him, as the two waited for the sound to stop. The room became quiet, until Steve could hear muffled voices speaking. Then there was a banging on the wall along with a familiar voice:

"Dr. Kleiner! Let us out!"

Kleiner slowly opened the door with the shotgun aimed through the gap, then gasped as he recognized the two humans awaiting them. "Alyx? Gordon? My god... how did you get here? And when?"

Steve peeked his head inside to share Kleiner's amazement at the sight: Alyx Vance and Gordon Freeman, alive and well! Steve and Kleiner were elated, but for very different reasons. For Kleiner, two of his allies had arrived and were safe and sound. For Steve, however, it meant that the teleporter had worked once again. As soon as nobody was looking his way, Steve jumped up to the upper walkway in the now vacant room and examined the console there... only to find it nonfunctional. In a panic, Steve rushed all around the room, fiddling with all the various components, hoping that he could somehow get it to run just one more time. His work slowed as it began to set in that Alyx and Gordon's arrival was a one-way trip. He didn't have much time to wallow in his misery as he was swept up into a hug.

"There you are! I was worried sick about you! Can you _believe_ Alyx wanted me to leave you behind? Come now, Lamarr," Kleiner said, putting Steve on his shoulder.

Alyx entered the room, looking exasperated. "Dr. Kleiner, did you find it yet? We really need to-" She paused, seeing Steve perched upon Kleiner. "...I see that you have. Come on, we don't have much time. Let's get you out of here." The three returned to the main lab, with Gordon and the "dog" notably absent. Kleiner motioned towards a carrier on a nearby table. Steve sighed and jumped off Kleiner, then entered into it. Was it demeaning? Absolutely. But right now, a "safer and swifter voyage" out of City 17 was sounding pretty good to Steve right about now. Alyx began to escort the two out of the lab, and they began their escape.

As much as Steve wanted to try to sleep to pass the time, he wanted to know where they were headed. The plan was to take a train to a place called White Forest. They would be relocating to a research base which served as a base for the Resistance. Satisfied with this answer, Steve was about to tune the humans out, until one word immediately got his attention: **rocket**. They... were working on a rocket there? Steve felt like celebrating with his newfound hope (though he didn't want to slow their pace down by jostling the carrier he was in). This was his best chance of getting home yet! As for how to actually do it, well, he had all the time in the world to make a plan.

Eventually, the trio had reached the train station. Alyx parted with them to catch up with Gordon, then they boarded a train filled with other evacuees. Through his limited view in the carrier, Steve watched the sights of City 17 pass by as they left for White Forest.


	9. Chapter 9

Steve the Headcrab

Chapter 9

Once again, Steve had begun to question human naming conventions. White Forest was most certainly **not** white, unless humans could see another version of the color that headcrabs could not. The walls of the bunker he and Kleiner were approaching were somewhat close to white, and the sky could be considered- ...Steve had more important things to worry about. _**A rocket**_. A rocket was being held within White Forest, with the intent to close the growing Superportal in the sky. As reluctant as he was to put his trust in human technology once again, Steve knew that "rocket" and "Superportal" went together like apples and oranges. Or something like that. Steve wasn't the best at human idioms - not that he wanted to, of course. He didn't care about the humans. They were just a means to an end - an end that was quickly approaching.

"Well Llamar, we're finally here. It's a brief respite, but a most welcome one." As they walked through the building, Steve looked around and noted how drab it was. Granted, it _was_ a bunker, but surely the humans could have made it a little more comfortable by now. There were plenty of soda machines, though; clear evidence of Black Mesa's involvement. Arriving in a break room, Kleiner deposited the carrier on a table and let Steve out.

"Ah, there you are, Kleiner. Took you long enough. You could have picked a much better time to be fashionably late, you know." A grumpy-looking human entered the room with his arms crossed, leering at Kleiner.

"It wasn't the smoothest trip, but we arrived alive and well. Thank you for your concern, by the way, Magnusson." _Magnusson_. Steve recognized that name. He was one of the Black Mesa scientists Kleiner would reminisce about, although with a lot more contempt. He recalled him saying something about grant money...?

"You're very welcome. You can pay me back by hurrying up and getting to work on the rocke- **OH DEAR LORD WHAT IS THAT?!** " Steve froze as he saw the human staring directly at him, eyes wide. Quickly looking for a weapon, Magnusson picked up a folding chair and rushed at Steve, but was stopped by Kleiner stepping in the way.

"Please, let me explain-"

"What, pray tell, needs to be explained?! You brought one of those _things_ in here, and we need to dispose of it!" Magnusson was getting angrier and angrier, his face reddening as he yelled. Steve worried for a moment that he may turn the chair on Kleiner instead, but realized that he was worrying about Kleiner's well-being. Steve was concerned about why he was thinking these things, but he filed that under the "Things To Think About When I'm Not About To Be Flattened By A Folding Chair" section of his brain.

"I assure you, Llamar is completely harmless," Kleiner rebutted, "she-"

"Oh, you even gave it a name?! This is ridiculous! I should have the both of you-"

"What's with all the racket over there?! You two need to settle down!" Kleiner and Magnusson went silent as a familiar voice addressed them. Eli Vance entered the room, glaring at the two. Steve let out a sigh, realizing he was holding his breath the whole time. He hoped that Eli could ease some of the heavy tension in the room. "I was worried this would happen. You're together for only a few minutes and you're already at each others' throats. Could you two just try to work together until we stop this Superportal?" Kleiner stayed silent, knowing that Eli was right. Magnusson, however, wasn't done.

"I am only looking out for the well-being of my people, Eli. This imbecile let a monster in here, and-"

"Let me handle it," Eli interrupted, "We have far more important things to worry about right now. You can get back to your rocket, and I'll send him your way once we have things settled." Magnusson's expression remained unchanged, but his face was returning to its normal color. Despite this, Steve was very worried about what would come out of the human's mouth next. Seconds felt like hours as the room remained silent, until Magnusson put the folding chair back down and opened his mouth to speak.

"...You should know that I don't appreciate being given orders from you. However... I must admit that you are correct. Do what you will - I'll be getting back to work." Magnusson gave one last glare at Steve and Kleiner before turning around and leaving. Steve flopped onto his side and began to breathe deeply, attempting to relieve some of the stress. Eli sat down on the couch, beckoning Kleiner over to join him.

"Izzy, I'm glad to see you got here safe and sound... But did you really need to bring that thing with you?" Eli gave him a pat on the back as the two of them sat down on the couch.

"I'll have you know that Lamarr has kept me great company over the years, and I just couldn't leave her in City 17, especially with what happened to the Citadel." He glanced over to Steve with a soft smile on his face. Steve always hated that smile, but this one felt... different, somehow. He couldn't deny that the human had saved his life on several occasions, the most recent being mere minutes ago. Kleiner would get no thanks from Steve, obviously, since he despised humans. But why did that not sit with him right anymore?

Steve, not realizing he had spaced out, was startled when Eli stood up. "Well, it's about time we get back to work. You and Magnusson play nice now, okay?"

"All right, Eli, I suppose I can oblige," Kleiner replied, chuckling a bit. He stood up as well and made his way over to Steve, leaning down and gesturing at his head. "All right, Lamarr, up you go. We have work to do." Steve leaped up and made himself comfortable atop Kleiner's head, for hopefully the final time.

The duo continued on their way through the bunker. All the while Steve was muttering to himself, criticizing the bizarre layout of the building. _I'm no architect, but even I can tell this place is all_ wrong, he thought. _Even the worst-designed buildings in Xen looked better than this. I can't wait to finally get home, where things make sense._ Truthfully, he didn't care that much about how the bunker was designed. He just wanted to get those weird thoughts from earlier out of his head. They entered a lift and descended into a room containing...

"So, this is the rocket he's been working on," Kleiner said, adjusting his glasses. Granted, they were only seeing the nose cone, but being so close to it filled Steve with glee and adrenaline. Kleiner clearly noticed, as he grabbed Steve to let him down. "I know you're antsy, Hedy, but this is important work. You should probably make yourself scarce so grumpy old Arne doesn't try to hurt you again." He placed Steve on the ground and patted him on the head, before walking off to meet the other human.

Looking down through the grating, Steve admired the rest of the rocket. _It **is** a human rocket, but it should do the trick. Finally, I'm going home! _Steve looked back towards Kleiner, who was speaking with Magnusson. The latter gave a side glance (more like a side glare) towards Steve. Thankfully, the human seemed more concerned with finishing the rocket than exacting vengeance on headcrabs. Finally getting to work, Kleiner opened a hatch on the nose cone and began fiddling with the instruments inside. This was one of the times that Steve resented the fact that humans had opposable thumbs and headcrabs didn't. Granted, technology back on Xen was accommodated for headcrab appendages, but occasionally Steve would imagine what his life would be like with that extra bit of convenience.

"Everything seems to be in order," Kleiner said, stepping away from the hatch. "I only wonder..."

"The last thing on my mind was submitting it for the Kleiner certificate of approval," Magnusson snapped back. "Whatever troubles we might have had were the result of staffing and supply deficiencies." Seeing the perfect opportunity, Steve jumped through the hatch and found a place to lay down. It would certainly be a long trip back so he decided he might as well get comfy.

He heard some commotion outside, and peeked his head out to see what it was. He was shocked to see both Alyx Vance and Gordon Freeman exit the lift, with Eli following behind them. Steve felt a bit of relief, having a strange feeling that things may go better now that Gordon was here. The human did seem to have a knack for surpassing impossible odds. As he watched the humans greet each other, he noticed Gordon look his way, and slowly walked towards his location. _Slowly walking... that doesn't seem normal for him. Doesn't he usually hop around? What gives?_ Another abnormal thing was the strange object he was carrying: a statue of a short human wearing a tall, red, pointed hat. Reaching the hatch, Gordon placed the statue inside next to Steve. He looked at Steve one more time (Steve could swear he saw Gordon give him a smile and a nod) before closing the hatch.

Steve sighed and closed his eyes. It was finally time for him to go home. All the rest was up to the humans, but he felt confident they would succeed. They did land a major blow against the Combine, after all - surely they can launch a simple rocket, right? Steve figured that he should take a nap, since it might be a while before it actually launches. Granted, the machinery inside the nose cone wasn't exactly comfortable, but it was a small price to pay for a ride home. As he relaxed, he began to look back on his adventure. The fact that he made it this far is nothing short of a miracle. He escaped death more times than he deserved to, not to mention that he wouldn't have survived all these years without Kleiner...

_No, bad thoughts. We're done with Kleiner, we're done with humans, **and we're done with Earth!** I hate them, and I can finally forget about all this and go home. I'll go back to my house with my wife and my children, and I'll go back to my boring job, and everything will be right again. _In the dim light, Steve looked over at his new companion. _Well, I guess you're my souvenir. You're gonna be a pain to lug around, though. Why the hell did Gordon bring you all the way here anyways? Well, if nothing else, you'll be a great conversation-starter back at home._

Suddenly, the instruments around Steve turned on and began their mechanical humming. A lot of rumbling started soon after, which was actually helping lull Steve to sleep.

The rumbling intensified, and soon the rocket finally began to take off. As Steve drifted off to sleep, he had one last thought:

"Look out, Xen, here we come!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue and Author's Notes coming soon™!


End file.
